Recognizing that most of the music I listen to (blues, reggae, and what is disturbingly referred to these days as “classic rock”) was recorded decades ago, I decided to lively up myself and check out the current state of popular music, so I downloaded the ten “Top Songs” on iTunes for $1.29 a pop (pardon the pun). The only song I recognized was “Pumped Up Kicks” (which I heard for the first time on the radio the other day). I then put on a pair of headphones and listened to all ten songs in one sitting, and then again a second time. Doing so did nothing to change my taste in music, but I certainly now feel much more enlightened and hip. And because it would be incredibly selfish of me to keep my insights to myself, I now give you the benefit of my wisdom and impeccable taste in music.
1. “Moves Like Jagger,” Maroon 5. “Moves Like Jagger,” with its pulsing beat, is recycled disco. That’s not necessarily a bad thing; after all, there’s very little that’s truly original in music today, yet there’s still a lot of good music out there. “Moves Like Jagger,” however, is not one of those songs, and it’s impossible to get beyond the fact that Adam Levine has the most annoying voice ever recorded. I watched a video for “Moves Like Jagger” and was dismayed to see an octogenerian Mick Jagger prancing around and showing his “moves.” It almost made me embarrassed to be a Stones fan. Keith Richards just rolled over in his grave. Oh, wait, he’s not really dead.
2. “Someone Like You,” Adele. This is the lamest song I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean, it’s not bad in the same way that “The Night Chicago Died” or “Billy Don’t Be A Hero” is bad. It’s just that the song is so hopelessly boring. “Someone Like You” makes Gilbert O’Sullivan (“Alone Again Naturally”) look like Johnny Rotten.
3. “Pumped Up Kicks,” Foster the People. A catchy song that is pure “Tusk”-”Mirage”-era Fleetwood Mac, with a pinch of The Buggles and The Gorillaz thrown in for good measure. I can see where this song might grow old after repeated listening, but most songs do. Thumbs up.
4. “Paradise,” Coldplay. Haven’t we heard this before? I liked Coldplay when they first came on the scene ten years ago, but while the lush arrangements and Chris Martin’s world-weary vocals were once original, they are now merely formulaic. Worse still, “Paradise” completely lacks the melody and musicality of songs like “Don’t Panic,” “Yellow,” and “The Scientist.” “Paradise” drones on and on but goes nowhere. Zzzzzzz….
5. “Stereo Hearts,” Gym Class Heroes (featuring Adam Levine). Dreadful, milquetoast, banal. Sample lyric: “My heart’s a stereo, it beats for you so listen close, hear my thoughts in every note, oh oh.” And what’s with the reference to “featuring Adam Levine”? Isn’t that an oxymoron? (See review of “Moves Like Jagger” above.) Ice Cube and Chuck D need to find these guys and give them a beatdown.
6. “You and I,” Lady Gaga. I confess that despite her popularity, my familiarity with Lady Gaga is limited to the disco throwaway, “Alejandro,” and the endless comparisons to Madonna. So I was definitely surprised when I cued up “You and I.” Madonna could have never pulled this off. “You and I” is boozy rock ‘n roll, and Gaga’s swaggering, confident vocal is a revelation (at least for me). Clearly the best of the bunch.
7. “Party Rock Anthem,” LMFAO. Techno nonsense. Can I get a guitar, please? Still, I did like the brief “everyday I’m shufflin’” interlude.
8. “Cheers,” Rihanna. Another pleasant surprise, though not to the same extent as “You and I.” This could have easily been just another stupid drinking song, but Rihanna’s soaring vocal and Caribbean accent lift the song to something better. I’ll drink to that.
9. “You Make Me Feel …”, Cobra Starship. I can’t tell the difference between this and “Party Rock Anthem.” Were LMFAO and Cobra Starship separated at birth? Can I get a guitar … please???
10. “Mr. Know It All,” Kelly Clarkson. Clarkson has a nice voice, but “Mr. Know It All” is bland and utterly forgettable, exactly what you’d expect from an American Idol.
So, in summary: “You and I” is the best of the bunch, “Pumped Up Kicks” and “Cheers” are keepers, “Someone Like You,” “Paradise,” and “Mr. Know It All” are merely lame, and “Moves Like Jagger,” “Party Rock Anthem,” and “You Make Me Feel…” are truly offensive. And that’s that.
Wait. Did I forget something? Oh yeah: “Someone Like You.” Man, that is one boring song.